


the work that goes into it

by Squidbitch



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/F, Flashbacks, Growth, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Domestic Violence, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Shovel Talk, Trauma, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-11-29 02:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18216707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squidbitch/pseuds/Squidbitch
Summary: Juno's trauma has never been easy to deal with.At least now he's dealing with it in the first place.A few helping hands doesn't hurt.





	1. Shaky hands

Peter has long since forgiven Juno. That is, if you could call it forgiving. He never really blamed the lady in all honesty. He'd cost Juno so much in those weeks. He made him go through so much. Actual _ torture. _

 

Yet Juno has always had a penchant for centering himself around everything. For taking the blame where it should be imposed on others. Or even when no one has to take the blame at all. Peter has a feeling that it partially comes from his years spent with an abusive mother, constantly trying to find any excuse to punish her children. 

 

So he can't say that he's surprised when he sees Juno shuffle into his room, his eye trailing on the floor. “Nureyev?”

 

He's wearing a simple t shirt that's too big for him, and has a bleach stain, with sweatpants. His hair is unkempt, curled sticking up in random places. His eyes are red and puffy, like he's been crying. He looks as lovely as ever. It still eludes Peter how he can still look so pretty in clothes like that.

 

“Hello, Juno. Do you need something?” he's playing coy, and they both know it. 

 

He doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands, and instead just fidgets with them, avoiding Peter's eyes. “I just wanted to uh-” He's not used to doing things like this. It's obvious, and kind of adorable. “I wanted to say I'm sorry. Even if you don't give a shit about what I have to say. I still want you to know.” His hands start shaking, and he looks almost scared. Peter can't help but wonder what he's scared of. “I did a really shitty thing, and I'm just really  _ really  _ sorry.”

 

Peter takes his steps towards him. “Juno.” He whispers, and his shoulders string up tight. Peter tries to ignore how scared he seems. He wants to show Juno that he still cares about him. That he forgives him. Peter starts to put a hand on his face, meant to be a gentle touch. Reassuring. But Juno jerks away, his breath going thin and quick. His eye flicks across the corners of the room. His body is tense, like he's bracing for a punch. 

 

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I did something bad, and you can hit me, but I still want-” He's cut off by a sob, and tears start slipping down his cheeks. “I'm so sorry-Just go ahead and hit me, I deserve it and-and-”

 

Peter has to blink twice before what he said really sinks in. Did Juno just ask Peter to hit him? “Juno?” He says it clear and loud, trying to make sure that Juno can hear him through whatever he's remembering. It seems to be the wrong thing to do, unfortunately. He flinches hard, at the sound of his own name. He makes sure his next words are softer. “I'm not going to hurt you.”

 

Juno doesn't seem convinced, still bracing for a blow, like someone has played games like this with him before. Peter closes his steady hands around Juno's shaking ones. Juno's always been small, yet always seemed larger than life to Peter, but now he looks  _ tiny _ . Like he's trying to make himself smaller, less of himself. He runs his thumb gently along his scarred knuckles. His other hand cradles Juno's face. 

 

“I would never lay a hand on you.” He tells him. 

 

Juno starts to take deeper breaths, his eye squeezed shut, regulating himself, making sure he's okay. It takes a little while for him to calm down. Peter wipes away his tears, watching Juno's restrained sobs fight themselves down. 

 

Peter let's his fingers curl around Juno's wrist, soft, easy to get out of. There is another conversation that Peter wants to have. About why Juno was so sure that Peter would hit him. He will have it later. Only one conversation can be had at a time, and Juno deserves to have the one he came here for. 

 

“Juno, I don't blame you for leaving. I put you through hell, and I didn't mean to give you an ultimatum. I brought too much on you at once, and…” He bites his lip, as he looks down at Juno who's looking up at him, obviously upset. 

 

“You didn't run me out, Nureyev.” He snaps. “I'm the one who left. I know it wasn't right, but,” He looks at where Peter's hand is soft around his scarred wrist. “I don't regret leaving. I'm not saying that I didn't-that I don't care about you.” 

 

A little bit of hope sparks itself inside Peter's chest. 

 

“I had to learn a lot, and I'm trying to get better, even if the me that gets better isn't going to be the me that you… that you care about.” There's a complex emotion on his face. Fear, and resolution, as though he's scared, but facing it with resolve. Juno's always been adorably stubborn. 

 

Peter can't help but smile. “As if I could ever cease to care about you, Juno.”

 

And they talk it out. They sit down on Peter's bed, and they talk about what they want. By the end of it they agree that they do want a relationship. Something that Peter has always wanted. It ends with Juno sliding his fingers between Peter's. The points at which they touch feels warm, makes Peter feel comfortable and nervous at the same time. 

 

And Peter thinks that maybe this will work. 


	2. Rita [Redacted] and the shovel talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rita gives Peter the shovel talk.

Juno leaves the room, and Peter can hear him talking to someone outside. 

 

“Jesus, Rita, were you listening in?”

 

“No! I promise I wasn't, boss! I swear on my mother, even if that's not a lot to swear by. My mother isn't a very honest person. Not in a bad way, she-oh! I need to ask Mista Glass a few questions is all!” She tells him. She bustles through the door, waving a good bye at Juno. “I'll catch up with ya later, Mista Steel!”

 

Juno sounds skeptical, but concedes. “Fine. Night, Rita.”

 

Peter quirks an eyebrow at her as she walks into his room. “Hi, Mista Glass.”

 

“Hello, Rita, would you like to take a seat?” She's already halfway to a chair before Peter is done with the sentence. She settles with a clipboard to her right, and a determined look on her face. If Peter can guess correctly, from the angle he's seeing the clipboard, it seems that there are only drawings of Martian cats on the paper. They sit in silence for a second or two, Peter waiting for her to start.  Since she doesn't, he prompts her. “You had some questions? I'd love to answer them, if you'd be so inclined.”

 

She puffs out her chest, and jabs a finger in his direction. “I've got a few questions to ask you,” She says as though Peter never said anything in the first place. “Mista  _ Glass,  _ or whoever you are! I tried to find your name, but you're really… somethin.”

 

“Well,” Peter says lightly. “Most things are something, Miss Rita. Adjectives are like that. Stars are hot. Planets are round. Juno Steel is breathtaking.” He tells her with a smile. “And I daresay that Juno is why you're here. Do correct me if I'm wrong.”

 

She opens and closes her mouth a few times. “That's right! Mista Steel likes you. He likes you a lot!”

 

“Oh, well, I certainly hope he does.” He preens, happy at the sound of Juno's friend telling him that Juno likes him. A lot, apparently. 

 

“Even though you're a thief! You stole that car from Mista what's his face!” She says accusingly. “Even though me or Mista Steel ain't one to talk. We've done a lot of illegal things, but Mista Steel always does it for the good of the people! And-no! C'mon Rita, stay on track!”

 

“Engstrom had it coming.” Peter defends. “Besides, the Ruby7 looks better on me. Can you really believe-”

 

“But!” Rita interrupts. “You better be real good to Mista Steel. Otherwise I'm gonna-! I don't know but it'll be real bad!” She takes a breath to calm herself. An interesting notion. Peter doubts Rita could be calm if she wanted to. “Mista Glass, or whoever you are. Can I just call you Mista Glass? Thanks. Anyway! Mista Steel hasn't ever been real smart about the people he gets in relationships with. He doesn't ever seem to like someone unless they wanna knock his teeth out! And I swear! If you ever hurt Mista Steel in  _ any way,  _ I'll do that real bad thing that I mentioned before!”

 

Peter flexes his hands on the armrest, but tries to look completely civil. “And what did these people do to Juno, exactly? Did they, as you put it, ‘try to knock his teeth out’?”

 

“Well, they hit him and stuff if that's what you're asking. You promise you won't do any of that?” She asks. Her eyes glitter with animosity, as though if Peter says one wrong word, then she'll hurt him physically. Peter is pretty sure he could handle himself against her, but the thought of hurting Juno's best friend for simply wanting to make sure Juno is safe is a bit absurd. 

 

Luckily Peter Nureyev is not a man that puts his hands on his beloved. And really? What kind of idiot would do something like that? Peter hasn't even ever been in that situation. Something like hurting the very person you love. It should have died out along with those old earth legends that said that getting shots to make sure you don't get ages old illnesses, would cause a disability! The idiocy of some people. “Of course not, Rita.” He's a little offended that she thinks he looks like the kind of man who would  _ ever  _ hurt Juno. “And if you wouldn't mind,” He says as casually as he can. “I'd love to know who these people are, and their exact whereabouts, if it wouldn't be too much trouble. I believe I have some karma to deliver.”

 

Rita smiles back at him. “Of course, Mista Glass. If you want, you can send a strongly worded letter. I've got these adorable new pens! You've gotta try them out!”

 

“Thank you, Miss Rita.” He will need a pen for writing down names and addresses anyway. “I think I'd like to do more than give strongly worded letter. They deserve much worse, don't you think?”


	3. you're trying, aren't you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The base of this clip is about Juno, and past sexual abuse. It depicts flashbacks, triggers, and touch aversion. Please tread with caution.

“Juno? Light of my life? Rock in my shoe, may I ask you something?” Peter's voice is more of a low rumble, yet still playful, and Juno can feel it. It's calming, and Juno feels warm and safe when they're curled up like this. 

 

Juno hums softly against him. “Sure.” Peter slowly makes a circle on Juno's shoulder. There's a scar there that indents itself in Juno's skin. Nureyev traces over it like a memory he wants to keep. The lady tucks his head into Peter's neck. He smells like that Cologne that Juno loves so much. His fingers travel to Juno's hair, and he let's out a sigh. His nimble fingers are good at lockpicking and gestures, but the fact that this guy can make Juno relax completely by simply putting a hand in his hair is really, truly unfair. Juno might not be used to all this intimacy, but he really likes it. 

 

Peter's voice is smooth and soft. The accent that he must have picked up after traversing the galaxy like he does is letting itself be known when he's relaxed like this. It's a gift Juno doesn't deserve. “Pardon my curiosity, but can you tell me about your past relationships?”

 

Juno feels a bit weird, but he concedes anyway. “Sure. What do you wanna know?”

 

“You don't seem very familiar with the way I treat you.” Peter mentions. Juno can hear in his voice that he's trying to remain nonchalant. He's got that lilt in it that can only be noticed after you've heard him be honest for more than five minutes. A rare commodity for anyone that isn't… 

 

_ Me,  _ his mind unhelpfully supplies. 

 

Juno tries not to think that he might be the only one who hears it. Too much is tied up in a thought like that. 

 

Instead he diverts his attention to Peter's question. “My ex's weren't the lovey dovey type, if you get me. More like the-y’know, fuck me and do drugs with me, or…” Juno's mind goes back to the times where those people hurt him physically. Part of his mind narrows down on all the places Peter is touching him, and screams that he doesn't deserve it. He deserves Diamonds fist on his face, hard and brutal. Deserves Nadia breaking his ribs for the umpteenth time. 

 

He pushes those thoughts away as best he can. He's selfish in nature, and as much as it feels  _ right,  _ and familiar to be hurt like that, he's learning to get better, learning to take the good things where he can. “Or other stuff.” Juno finishes lamely. 

 

Peter looks like he wants to say something, but keeps it to himself. Peter seems to change tactics now. “Had you ever been on a nice date before me?”

 

Juno laughs a little. “Can't say I have.”

 

Peter asks questions, and Juno answers. It goes on like that for a bit. Juno threads his fingers into Peter's. 

 

“You say you've been dating since you were  _ twelve?!” _ Peter asks, aghast. 

 

Juno shrugs, a small smile on his face. “No adult cared enough to regulate it.”

 

Peter shakes his head. “Honestly, at least one adult should have stopped it.” He's smiling a little too. “When did you first do something sexual with another person, if you don't mind me asking.”

 

And Juno's brain short circuits. He's suddenly four years old in front of Jack Takano, being told “ _ doing good, that's what you're for, and you're being so good right now- _ , his hands touching him everywhere. He remembers other people too in Old Town. That's the only place sex offenders could live. The only place where people didn't care who was living in their rented out house as long as they were getting paid. That one time he took  _ something,  _ that made him unable to move his body as he faded in and out of consciousness. The guy who gave it to him put his hand down his pants and gave him bruises. 

 

That neighbor when he was eight. “ _ This is okay, Juno, we're in love. The world might not understand, but we're in love.” _ Juno believed it for so long, too. 

 

And Jack Takano still whispering to him. Telling him how good he's being. The taste in Juno's mouth is thick, and he can almost feel a hand in his hair. 

 

_ Don’t tell your mother or Benten either, Juno. Minds like ours can't be understood by people like them. Your mother would get mad, and you wouldn't want to see Benten hurt, now would y- _

 

“Juno!” 

 

He doesn't know when he started sitting up, or when Nureyev's hands got so tight on his shoulders. Some part of him knows that he's just trying to shake Juno out of his memories, but the feeling of his hands on his shoulders feels like that time when Ramses- Jack-whoever-

 

_ Please stop please stop please stop  _

 

“Juno, please!”

 

That's all it takes before Juno is jerked back into the present. He's breathing hard and shallow, he can feel his wheezing in his chest. “What? Jack-?” He says stupidly. 

 

But it's Peter's face right in front of him, looking horrified. His lungs go back to normal now that the worst of it is over. Juno looks away from Peter, his mind still slipping between the past and the present. 

 

“I'm-” His tongue feels weird in his mouth. “Sorry. Musta zoned out or something. You called?” it sounds like a lie if Juno's ever heard one, and Peter just sits there, his brow furrowed, blinking a few times like he's taking in information coming in at breakneck speed. 

 

He's waiting. He's wants an explanation. He wants the truth. When Juno doesn't say anything, just feeling disoriented, and keeping quiet, Peter asks: “Juno, what just happened? I heard you… telling someone to stop.” he admits quietly. 

 

Juno feels nauseous at the reminder of it. He bites his tongue on the word “ _ nothing”.  _

 

Juno had once asked Alessandra how she'd gotten such a successful relationship.  _ “Communication,” _ She'd told him. 

 

Juno thinks that she's right. She  _ has  _ to be. She's got this great thing going on with her fiancee, and as much as Juno would never say it out loud, he wants that too. 

 

Either way, he needs to talk about it with someone. He's hardly ever even let himself think about it, and only talked about it a few times, once, with Mick when he was high off his ass, and with Diamond, but they didn't take it that well. 

 

So Juno swallows his pride, and looks Nureyev in the eyes. “Do you… do you wanna know? We can drop it and never talk about it again if you want, but…” he has to force the words out, and he wonders if it'll be worth it. 

 

Peter's hand strokes over Juno's softly. He's got a worried expression on his face, that makes Juno nervous. “I'd love to listen, if you would like to tell me.” 

 

Juno takes a deep breath. Juno looks down at their hands so that he won't psyche himself out, by seeing Peter's face. “I was-um,” why is the simple action of  _ saying something _ so hard? “I was sexually a-abused?” He's never heard his voice sound so small. He knows from experience that Peter might have a disgusted look on his face. He still doesn't look at him. “I didn't- I mean-the thing was like a-uh-i don't know,” He sounds so  _ stupid.  _ “I just remembered what happened a few times because it all happened when I was really young. I think like f-four? The first time, and so that's why-um, yeah.”

 

“Juno…” Peter starts. 

 

A replay goes in a loop in Juno's mind.  _ “Juno, that makes you tainted. I can't believe I love someone who was so lewd as a child.” _

 

_ “Why are you telling me that?! You know I get jealous easily!” _

 

_ “Funny, I think it might be a little hot.” _

 

Jesus, Diamond really didn't know when to shut up, did they? 

 

“I'm sorry, Juno. That must have been horrible.” he looks and sounds like he's sincere. Juno wonders if he really is. 

 

“It was.” He says quietly. He silently hopes Peter isn't pitying him. Juno tightens his hand on Peter's. “Do you think I'm-”  _ Tainted, like dirt on pristine white porcelain. Not meant to be there. You need to be scrubbed away.  _ He can't bring himself to say the actual word, so he chooses a different one. “Dirty? Or like, um, gross, because I did stuff like that at such a young age.” 

 

And yeah, this is all really scary, and nerve wracking, but it's also fucking embarrassing. Juno isn't sure why he feels that way, but it's there. Part of him cringes at the fact that he told Nureyev in the first place, and that same part recoiled when he practically asked Peter to tell him he wasn't dirty. 

 

Peter grips his hand, and shakes his head resolutely. “Of course not. I would never think that. I'm very sorry for making you remember that.” Juno's breath shakes, and he has to force himself not to cry. “And Juno?”

 

“Yeah?” He's scared of what Nureyev might say. 

 

“ _ You  _ didn't do anything.” He tells Juno sternly. “That person-” Peter's mouth tips downward a bit more when Juno is about to speak up. “Or people are the ones who did those things _ ,  _ and it wasn't your fault.” His eyes are locked on Juno's. He must see the emotion on his face, all fear and doubt. “You did nothing wrong, okay?"

 

A sob forces itself out of Juno's throat, and he feels tears start to stream down his face. His voice is raw with his crying. “Okay.” Peter has one hand soothing on his neck, as Juno cries himself out.

Peter's face looks dangerous. Angry. He looks like he wants to murder someone as slowly and painfully as he can. It would scare Juno if he wasn't completely sure that it isn't Juno himself. Based on the way he's looking at him, and this is just a guess, but he could be saving those murderous desires for other people. Specifically the people that hurt Juno.

 

"Juno, I'd like to know exactly what not to do, as to make you uncomfortable."

 

And Juno nods, because this is communication too. "Don't bring up my first times. Ever. Just don't. Try not to-uh-grip me too hard on my shoulders. And um, just show me that you're going to touch me before you do. Always let me get away if I need to."

 

Peter seems to file the information away. "Can you tell me if something new, or something you haven't thought of before comes up?"

 

No ones ever been like this with Juno. So considerate. It's a riveting, but really nice. "Yeah." Peters hands are soft, but strong in Juno's. Sometimes the feeling of hands in general makes his skin crawl. He's thankful that isn't how it is right now. 

 

"Thank you." He mutters quietly. 

 

Peter smiles at him. He's still got that underlying anger, but it's more comforting than anything. "Anything for you, love."


	4. food for thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talk about eating disorders and child abuse.

Buddy wonders if Juno even  _ eats.  _ She never sees him in the kitchen, making anything. When she does see him nibbling on something, it's tiny. Taking small bites of a small portion is definitely not the same thing as  _ eating.  _

 

And god help her, but she  _ cares _ about the grumpy little idiot. He needs to eat. He already looks like the very manifestation of his problems. All scars and the smell of alcohol, his clothes too big for him, and always so worn, chipped nail polish and missing earrings. Does he really want to add malnutrition to the list? 

 

She talked about it with Arthur, and he agrees, but his relationship with Juno is newly remade. Arthur tries to bring it up, but Juno quickly rejects the conversation. Their relationship is too fragile right now to bring up something like that. 

 

So Buddy decides that this is  _ it _ . She's going to make Juno eat a full meal if it kills her. 

 

She starts it out casually. She asks Rita to make some stir fry, and per usual, Juno doesn't eat anything. He waves them off, saying that he already ate earlier. His frame isn't skinny, but it doesn't necessarily look healthy either. Buddy always thought that it might be because he didn't have the money for regular meals, but that's not a problem here. 

 

Buddy is an observant woman. Observant enough to see that Juno denies food with a flat voice. That his eye lingers on it like it scares him. 

 

She puts some away for Juno, and now she just waits. 

 

He's walking down the hallway, and she can see him pass the kitchen when she says his name. “Juno darling, would you come here?”

 

He stops in his tracks, and pokes his head around the doorframe. He walks slowly into the kitchen, wary of her. “Uh, need something?”

 

She gestures toward the seat across from her. “Sit down, love.”

 

He slowly sits down in the seat across from her. “You gonna tell me what you want, or am I just gonna sit here looking stupid all day?” He asks. 

 

She gets up, and walks to the refrigerator. She takes out the leftover food, and puts it in the microwave. “You do that well enough on your own. Do you know why I called you in here?” She sits back down across from him, and he shifts where he's sitting. He doesn't like being the center of attention when the attention comes from Buddy. 

 

“So you could fulfill your life long dream of acting like a high school principal?” He says sarcastically. 

 

“Because you need to  _ eat,  _ love.” She tells him. 

 

He gives her a flat, annoyed look. “ _ What? _ ” He gestures around himself vaguely. “I have been eating! If I hadn't then I'd be pretty dead right now, and oh! Wouldja look at that?! I'm still kicking.” He's defensive. A sign that she's right. 

 

She takes the container of food, and puts it down in front of Juno. “You never eat with us. I've been in this kitchen quite a lot, planning and such. I almost never see you here. I've been in here every second of the day, and you haven't stepped foot in here until I told you to.”

 

“I'm a busy gal.” He defends. 

 

She sighs and shakes her head. She puts a fork in the container, and gestures to it. “Then eat this. Now.”

 

He gives her a dirty look. “I'll just… eat it in a little while. I'm not hungry.”

 

Buddy feels like she might tear her hair out, if not hers, then Juno's. “Now, Juno. I want to see you eat it.”

 

“Why?!”

 

“Just do it.”

 

“I don't have to listen to you.”

 

“Eat the food.”

 

“I bet Rita put you up to this.” venom starts to build in his voice. 

 

“Juno, just  _ eat it.” _ She insists on it. She doesn't understand why he's so against it. 

 

“ _No!”_ He yells. And it startles both of them into silence. He seems to realize that he really did raise his voice. Juno recluses back into himself, folding up, and putting up his walls. He looks like a flower after midnight. His eyes skate around the room, seeming to catch every inch except where he should be meeting her eyes. “Look, okay, I'm sorry. I just- I don't know.” His hands disappear into his pockets. He takes a deep breath. “I just don't like eating around people that live with me.” He admits quietly.

 

Buddy is a curious person by nature, and although that trait has gotten her into some sticky situations, she'd still love to voice it aloud. “And why is that?”

 

The eyes go still, and he keeps them between where Buddy's hands are sitting.

 

Juno's eyes stays locked on the table. “My ma. Whenever I ate anything in front of her, she would either hit me, and tell me I don't deserve food after I…” He shakes his head. He doesn't finish the sentence. “Or she'd hold it over my head for weeks, like the fact that she decided to feed her kids instead of her alcoholism was some kinda charity act that man and god should praise her for.” He gets up from the table. “I know it's stupid, okay?” He turns away from her until all she can see is the shadow cast on his back from where his shirt is clinging to him. 

 

His boots seem to amplify the silence of the room as he walks away. 

 

When he's gone the silence is almost deafening. 

 

Buddy doesn't know what to feel. She's done research on Juno Steel. She knows his brother died at the hands of his mother when he was younger, and she knows that she must have not been a very good caretaker in the first place. So she doesn't say anything when he flinches at loud noises or sudden movements. But  _ this.  _

 

This far into her career and her life, she doesn't get surprised at much anymore. In fact this  _ doesn't  _ surprise her in the least. That's true, and yet her empathy still makes itself painfully visible. She wants to help. 

 

She's a leader. She feels like she isn't supposed to worry about him like this. It must cross some boundary between “employer and employee”, or the ever present “leader and follower”.  

 

Well,  she's never followed the rules anyways. She  _ makes  _ the rules, and right now she'd like to make a new rule. If someone on this vessel is not going to be healthy, then the reason why they are not healthy either needs to be rectified or eliminated completely. 

 

“Buddy,” Vespa's voice is calling her back to the present. By God, she loves that voice. Strong and certain in what she's saying. “C'mon, let's take a shower.”

 

She doesn't rightfully need a shower, but she knows Vespa is scared to be in an enclosed space like that alone. She says it reminds her of the room she would sleep in when she was a slave. 

 

Buddy gets up from her seat, puts the food away, and concedes. “That sounds lovely, darling.”

 

It's after the shower while Vespa is running a comb through her hair that it comes to her. A solution for Juno's odd predicament! It was so easy all along. She can simply leave some food for Juno in his room when it's mealtime.

* * *

 

 

Juno himself is currently taking a shower, so she gets the food ready, complete with a note and utensils, and puts it in his room. She's about to walk away, when the lady himself clears his throat from behind her. She turns around to see him, her face carefully neutral. 

 

Arthur is next to him, long fingers curled protectively around his waist. “How nice to see you, Buddy. How are you, dear?”

 

Buddy is about to reply when Juno simply rolls his eyes, and pushes Arthur out of the room. “Out.” He bosses. “I'll go to your room when I'm done.”

 

Arthur opens his mouth to say something. Whether it would be an endearment or protest, the world will never know, because Juno simply closes the door in his face 

 

Buddy raises an eyebrow. “You should really be nicer to the gentlemen who throw themselves at your feet. Experience tells me they'll give you their valuables if you play your cards right.”

 

Juno smirks a little. “Not with him. We've got a very strict “no lying unless its for a surprise” rule.” He walks over and gestures to the food. “What's that about?”

 

She looks him in the eye. “I've decided to start leaving meals in your room, if that's alright. Of course you will have to bring out, and wash your own dishes, but you will not have to get the food yourself.”

 

His eyes get softer. “Thanks, Buddy. I'll try to get better at getting it myself. I should probably tell you not to. Like because I'm an adult or whatever, but,” He picks up the food, along with the utensil. “I'm gonna take this for now. I'm trying to let myself rely on other people a little.”

 

Buddy would never say that she's wanted to be a mother. Her line of work is much too dangerous. She's spent more of her life protecting her family than making a new one. But right now, she feels almost  _ motherly,  _ a desire to take care of someone. To watch them grow and learn as a person. 

 

She walks towards him, and kisses his forehead. She's taller than him. Everyone besides Rita is on the ship after all. He seems a little surprised. Buddy assumes he isn't used to affection. Especially not affection that is just a means to get in his pants. This is friendly. He looks like he's trying to get used to it. “Eat well, Juno.” 

 

Then she strides out of the room, and doesn't look back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, guys, I just really like the thought of Buddy helping Juno out in some way. Also I was projecting this entire fic.


	5. I love Vespa and that will never change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: there's a dream about past sexual abuse, throwing up, dissociating, flashbacks. It's real heavy.

There are hands on Juno's body. They're sweaty, and the voice in his ear is as familiar as can be. Jack Takano's voice, all breathless and soothing. Juno doesn't know where he is, but this feels familiar. It isn't the way that the room fades away, or the fact that he isn't sure where anything is, except for every disgusting inch of his body. 

 

It's the  _ hands.  _

 

He always told himself that if anyone ever touched him like Jack did without his permission, then he would fight back like his life depended on it. That it would very a miracle if the other person made it out alive. He didn't do it when those other people touched him. His neighbor, or that boy. He just sat there just like he is now. Still as stone. 

 

And here he is, with Jack Takano himself doing those same things. All Juno can do is stay where he is. He's scared. He's so scared. He wants to speak, to tell him to stop, but he can't. He doesn't know why, either. And he just keeps  _ touching him,  _ and there's no way Juno can make him stop. He's powerless. 

 

His mouth is moving, and he knows that the words are leaving his throat, but he can't hear them. He just screams them silently into nothing. He begs from a person who wouldn't care even if he could hear him. 

 

Jack's breath is getting quicker, and Juno knows that its getting closer to the end. He knows he should be happy that it's going to be over, but that's the worst part. His arms finally seem to get some movement, and he tries to push him away. He thrashes, and he can't feel him at all. Just hands. 

 

“Stop!” Juno yells, “Get the fuck off me!”

 

His eyes open, and his sobs pierce through the room. His face is wet, and his sheets are crumpled. 

 

He's going to be sick. He can already feel the lurching in his stomach, and he stands up on on unsteady legs. He runs into the bathroom as quick as he can, grateful that Buddy gave him the room right next to it. He puts his hands on the seat of the toilet, and throws up. He doesn't have much in his stomach, but that doesn't stop his body from dry heaving. When that's done, he coughs a bit, spitting out the last of it. 

 

He feels so disgusting, and he physically recoils. He keeps shaking, and he doesn't remember when he fell on the ground, or when he backed into the cabinets. 

 

They're everywhere. Everyone who's ever touched him like that. 

 

Hands,  _ hands,  _ **_hands._ **

 

He keeps scratching at his arms. He wants to get rid of every inch of skin they ever touched. He can feel his nails cutting into his skin. He can feel the air deep in his lungs. He can feel those hands. His mind is skipping, and he isn't sure whether he's with Jack, or Quyen, or Brendan, or on the bathroom floor. He isn't sure what is real, and what isn't. 

 

All he knows is that he's telling someone to stop, hoping that they'll listen. 

 

“Juno!”

 

Suddenly there's someone's hand on his shoulder, and a very different voice calling his name. 

 

There's Vespa right in front of him, her green hair, and tired face. She looks concerned. She's looking him over like a rare specimen. 

 

The two of them are quiet for a long time, before Juno speaks. He didn't even have the mind to feel awkward about the silence. His brain is too busy being choppy and uneven. “Why are you up?” His voice comes out scratchy, and smaller than he wants it be. 

 

She raises an eyebrow at him. He knows she's lying before she even says anything. “Just woke up. Guess I couldn't sleep.” She doesn't even hesitate before asking, “What about you?”

 

He looks down at his hands. They have blood on them from where Juno scratched at his arms. “Bad dream.” He says simply. 

 

Her eyebrow gets higher. “Gotta be some dream to make you throw up, and have a dissociative episode right after.”

 

Juno blanches, “How the hell would you-”

 

“I've studied medicine for years. You think I wouldn't skim by something like that? It happens a lot when people are in shock, or from PTSD. That kind of stuff always interested me.” She tells him. She says it so casually, you'd think they were talking about the weather. 

 

Juno doesn't say anything. He just sits on the ground, still feeling stupid as Vespa crouches over him. 

 

She tilts her head to get a better look at the scratches. “Can I clean those up for you?” She asks. 

 

Juno doesn't have it in him to be stubborn. “Sure.”

 

She helps him stand up, and she stumbles with him into the little infirmary. She keeps him standing. Juno feels pathetic. One bad dream, so now he can't even walk in a straight line? He sits down on the stool, and she gets to work. “As the person who handles everything medical on this ship, I gotta ask,” She sprays the wound with disinfectant. It stings, but Juno's gotten used to it. “Why did you do this?”

 

He almost snaps at her, and tells her that its none of her business. Instead he shifts in his seat. “How about we do a question for a question?” He proposes. 

 

She dabs at the wounds with a cloth. “Okay.”

 

“Why were you really walking around this late at night?” He asks. 

 

She hesitates. Her hands even pause in their movements. “I had some hallucinations.” She admits. “Why did you do these.” 

 

“I felt disgusting.” He answers truthfully. She pulls the gauze out of a little drawer. “What was your hallucination about?” He fully expects her to punch him in the face for asking such an invasive question. 

 

She just keeps tending to Juno's scratches, but her eyes go hard at the edges. “I saw Buddy dying.” Her hands loop the gauze around his forearms, leading up to the backs of his hands. “Why did you feel disgusting?”

 

Juno's breath gets shaky. He looks at the ground. “There was some stuff that happened to me as a kid. Like-uhm-”  _ C'mon Steel, you already told Peter. Opening up is part of getting better.  _ “Like sexual assault stuff.” Then it's there, hanging in the air. Juno can't help but berate himself for telling someone who's practically a stranger. 

 

Juno isn't sure what he expects from her. A disgusted look. A “ _ why would you tell me that, I don't even know you,” _ . Possibly a deadpan look as she says, “ _ You say that like it wasn't your fault in the first place,” _ . She just finishes the last of cleaning his wounds, his arms both fashioned with gauze. 

 

“Okay.” She says quietly. Part of it sounds like she understands, but Juno could be imagining it. She shakes her hair out of her face. “Go get some sleep, Steel. I'm exhausted.”

 

Juno hops up from the stool, and starts walking away. His legs are still unsteady, but he's sure he can make it back to his room. He stops in the doorway, chewing at the inside of his cheek. “Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight, Juno…” She's quiet, and Juno is just about to leave when she blurts: “Talk to me if you need someone, okay?”

 

He turns to look at her. “Sure. You do the same?”

 

She smiles at him. Not a momentous one. Just a small, indulgent smile. “Sure thing.” 


End file.
